I am not color blind

I am not color blind. As long as I can remember, probably starting as a toddler, African Americans, South Americans, and Latinos were treated as less than whites. I heard them called names like jungle bunny and monkey more times than I can count. The N word was so common in my neighborhood that it was incredulous during the OJ trial to hear someone say they had never heard it. Funny that I cannot even remember who said these things, but as Maya said I remember how it made me feel… it was also obvious that Nixon was racist to me even as a child. My grandfather always had a great tan in summer and I remember feeling ashamed that maybe he was black. But it wasn’t just verbal abuse. We were taught to fear ‘them’, to be wary if they were in our presence. We were taught that one family moving into the neighborhood would create crime and make property values plummet. We were told in Catholic school that if we didn’t behave we would be forced to attend the black public school. We were concerned about Morgan University being built nearby. We were taught that black men raped white women. We were taught that they were uneducated, uncultured, and that we were centuries ahead of them intellectually. The riots in 68 confirmed everyones belief that they were just heathens with no sense of pride or class. They lived in filthy homes and neighborhoods because they didn’t care to clean them. They sat around doing drugs and living off of hard working people, and still felt like we owed them more. They were prone to violence on a much greater level than whites. They hated us. They resented us. They wanted what we had but did not want to work for it. They did not want to stay in their place. They suddenly refused to give way to us on the bus or the sidewalk. They seemed hostile toward us. They might mug us or rob our homes. They could kill us. They have no concern for life, they even kill their own in massive numbers.These beliefs do not go away overnight. No matter how much I want to just see humans, no matter how many beautiful amazing people I know and love, no matter how accomplished and talented I see that they are, I still get a fear tingle when I see a large black man while walking. I am sincerely sorry about that. It brings tears to even admit it. I hate my prejudice in feeling that way. I want to change. Fear brings on survival responses. If I cannot remove the fear perhaps I can change the response. To override these innate responses I need to recognize them as they occur and ask myself if my initial instinct is correct, or if there is a better solution. It is an opportunity to practice kindness and empathy. It is not easy and will not change anything overnight, but it is a start. And so I smile and give a sincere greeting.Also I have educated myself on the causes of poverty and the forces that perpetuate it. I have gone into neighborhoods and homes that took me out of my comfort zone. I listen. I try to contribute to the solution rather than the problem. I acknowledge and accept my shortcomings.I have a very long way to go, but it is a good cause so I will keep practicing. Much love to all who are suffering today. We feel your pain.